Love is Blind, they say. Is that True?

As pure as a Pearl

The bright sunlight filtering through the divided curtains filled the entire room with a crystalline glow. With his eyes still closed, Nick pulled the comfit over his face and wrapped his arms around Lisa, who had snuggled closer to him to avoid the morning rays.

“Wake up honey.” He gently kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear, “I have to go.”

READ MORE

Why all good Women are Taken !

Naren had stepped in to my life as an unexpected shower of happiness and fulfillment. His mere existence in my life gave me enough strength to put up with the broiling heat in my personal life. I used to look forward to meeting Naren whenever we could take time out of our busy schedules. Being a doctor, he had to work under tight schedules and as for me I had to slog as a lawyer, in the court building, from dawn to dusk. A mere sight of him always made me wish (secretly) I had met him before… before Ronny came into my life. I had been married to Ronny for almost eight years.

READ ON.

Touched by a Magic Wand!

Often, when I dream at night,

The latent fantasies soar to a new height;

My spirit leaves my body and travels light,

I slip into perfect peace and everything feels so right.

READ POEM

My First Encounter with OSHO (philosophy)

I spent almost an hour with him but he did not have answers to even the simplest of my questions. Possibly he was sitting in front of me with ‘no mind’ of his own. Trust me, I had to leave his place, totally disappointed and dissatisfied. What kind of spiritual path was this when the travelers / followers / seekers did not even know where they were going to or where they had come from? They seemed to live in an absolute vacuum. Perhaps that was the concept of enlightenment perceived by OSHO. Whatever said and done, I could not relate to such an ideology. Creating emptiness, in and around oneself could, in no way, be construed as enlightenment. In my terms, ‘enlightenment’ means ‘knowing’ rather than ‘not knowing’. It means ‘awareness’ rather than ‘ignorance’. Perhaps it’s an escapist attitude to find bliss in ignorance.

Read full article about OSHO.

Love knows no bounds

Animals express pure love

Yes, that's so true. Animals express pure love, and most of the times, with greater intensity than human beings. Some days back I got some excellent stuff in my mail box which I thought of sharing with you. For a change I'm not going into lengthy details; let the pictures and the video convey the underlying message. Someone has rightly said.."Actions speak louder than words". Animals do it all without having to utter those three (hypocritical) words. Hypocritical? I can see the eyebrows raised. Well, how many times do we really mean our words when we look into the eyes of our partner and say it in a gentle whisper..."I love you", On the contrary, animals mean what they show.

READ MORE

Should mentally challenged kids be alienated from their families?

Rejoice! The baby is born. (Source web: http://www.anjalichugh.com)

Those parents, who might have already had the horrifying experience of being confronted in their past, with that one single moment, in which it had felt like being hit by a bolt of lightning, would better understand the misery and helplessness associated with the crude reality of giving birth to, and nurturing, a mentally challenged baby. The journey of such grief stricken parents, generally, starts with irreconcilable shock and uncontrolled tears but gradually ends in acceptance, mitigation and salvaging whatever is left. Did I say salvaging? Some parents get so much blinded with grief and mental chaos that they tend to (unintentionally) ignore the ‘salvaging’ part by neglecting their other children. What happens to the siblings in a house infested with insanity, violence, screams, depression and frenzy? The parents are, no doubt, the worst sufferers but are the siblings any less affected?

Let me share a story (true story) with you and you decide for yourself, the best recourse in such situations. This is a story about a girl who spent her entire childhood and youth witnessing the aggression and violence of her mentally challenged sister. I had a long talk with her once but towards the end of the conversation, I was completely at a loss; I wasn’t able to identify someone who could be held responsible for her predicament. Assessing the state of affairs from where she stood, my heart went out to her. It seemed that even after being married for a very long time, the memories of her unhealthy childhood had left deep rooted scars on her psyche. She looked at me with those empty eyes and started off by saying, “we do certain things which seem so right at a given point of time and later keep wishing for the rest of our lives that we hadn’t.”

Without stepping into an arena of passing a verdict, let me put down the excerpt (from our conversation) for your perusal and we’ll proceed from thereon. At this juncture, I wouldn’t like to miss an opportunity to confess that her life story inspired me to an extent that I compiled her eye-opening experiences in my Novel, ‘From the desk of a daughter’. Let’s move further. Here is what she said.

From the eyes of a sibling…

“My parents had turned every stone possible with a hope to see Nancy (mentally challenged sister) at least approach normalcy but over the years all their hopes had died down. Her violent behavior aggravated as she grew up. She would not let anyone enter our house and have a normal conversation with my parents; I never recollect having been able to talk to my mother or father for more than a few seconds, at any given point of time. She would start crying and shouting on the top of her voice whenever she saw any one of us talking to each other or to any visitor, for that matter. A strange behavior for which no doctor had an answer! It used to be a source of huge embarrassment for my parents. The worst thing she did to us was that we lost contact with the outside world; no visitors allowed.

We could not even put Nancy in some special school as there were no such schools in the city we lived in. Very soon I realized that there was no social life left for us. More than any of us this proved detrimental to my father’s career as his profession needed him to be socially active. Who doesn’t know that one cannot survive in journalism by confining himself to his house for most of the time! It was like a fish out of water twitching on dry earth and still hoping to live. I saw him, struggling, barely being able to support his family and always under a constant fear of losing his job. He denied many lucrative work opportunities which could have proved a boon for his career, just for the reason that he could not travel out of the city, leaving his wife all alone to take care of Nancy, who was a total liability and needed one person round the clock to take care of her needs. The doctors had told my parents soon after Nancy’s birth that she could never be a normal person and that it would be in the best interest of the family if the child was alienated and put in some kind of a facility so that the other members wouldn’t get affected by her abnormal behavior. I guess my father never felt strong enough to let his minor and mentally retarded daughter, go out of his sight even for a single day. It was indeed a dilemma! My parents had to make a choice and they made it; Nancy was to stay put ….”

Repercussions

Her parents had made a choice of keeping Nancy in the house as they never felt strong enough to put her in some facility but they probably overlooked the adverse affect it eventually had on their other two daughters (the youngest passed away when she was in High School). As I delved deep into her story, I could very well imagine what she might have gone through and what she might have had to withstand, with her heart bleeding and mouth shut all the time. I was surprised when she blatantly admitted that despite trying hard to be normal in her personal life, she was never able to live like any other woman. “May be I suffer from some psychological disorder which I don’t even know about.” She looked down as she ended up putting the entire blame on her own self, for her unsuccessful married and social life. What else could a daughter do?

===================================

IS ‘FIDELITY’ OVERRATED?

Fidelity by choice or by chance?

In an attempt to answer a request from my friend (hub pages), I am, once again, showing the audacity to step into one of the most controversial domains of human relationships. For ages, this has been an arena, in which almost every individual finds himself trapped, at least once in a lifetime, by choice or by chance. Although, literally speaking, the term ‘infidelity’ (absence of ‘fidelity’) can also be extended to relationships involving business partnerships but here I have confined myself to personal and emotional relationships only. Interestingly, the term ‘infidelity’ has always been condemned by those who do not indulge in it and justified as being reasonable, by those who show such behavioral patterns. The reasons for such indulgence can be varied, ranging from, emotional disturbances, a loveless life, short term infatuation, simple desire to experiment, insatiably high sexual urges, passive aggression, a perverse pleasure, to a simple a hormonal imbalance or even a natural magnetic aura which draws the opposite sex closer no matter how much one resists. Considering how complex human psyche has become in the process of keeping pace with fast moving society, the list can be endless.

Curbing the animal instinct!

Knowing very well that no one on this planet is infallible and that, things, often times, just happen and are not planned or intended that way, it still becomes almost impossible to deem such actions pardonable, especially for those who have never set foot in this ‘land of temptations’. Speaking for the partners (lovers or spouses) of such people (showing infidelity) they feel completely cheated, betrayed and heartbroken. When I dug deep into the roots of these socially overrated concepts like ‘morality’ and ‘fidelity’, it dawned on me that such terms were, most likely, coined to bind an individual within the parameters of a socially accepted and an orderly society. Considering the basic (animal) instincts of a human being, it might have seemed quite logical to institutionalize him in a way that he gets all the freedom to roam around in his small world, subject to a proviso, that if he breaks the ‘rules’ he would have to suffer consequences. From one aspect these ‘rules’ seem to be legitimate as they prevent the formation of a disorderly and a chaotic society to a certain extent; imagine a society where one wouldn’t have to think twice before sleeping with anyone. No matter how tempting that sounds, it would have placed humans in the same category as the animals.

Returning the favor?

As I had earlier discussed this subject, briefly though, in my earlier hub (What makes a person cheat…) I had made an honest attempt to lay down some commonly found reasons which compel a person to become disloyal to his / her partner. Some readers found those reasons justified whereas others discarded them as unreasonable. Speaking for myself, I feel that describing something as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is only an offshoot of one’s perception and perception changes with time; it also differs from one individual to the other. Trust me I have seen couples who extend to each other, the favor of having multiple partners and they seem to be alright with it. For them ‘infidelity’ does not exist. Where does the problem come up then? Obviously, it arises in a situation where only one of the partners tends to break the vows of commitment and loyalty. Does it mean that we have a tendency to condone only those mistakes which we might have committed ourselves? Wow! That explains why a parent (who had been on Marijuana in high school) does not make a big deal out of his teenage child smoking Pot. Possibly he keeps repeating in his mind, “its ok. I did the same thing when I was young.”

Is it time to amend the ‘rules’?

Like we all know, the statutes keep getting amended and the old laws keep getting repealed, only for ensuring their applicability in the modern times. Society changes and so does its needs. Challenges (in our daily lives) have increased and tolerance has decreased considerably. We tend to find the easier way out. The entire concept about loyalty and relationship has changed.

“Life is too short to cry over spilt milk…why not buy a new bottle!” That has been the attitude of most people nowadays. If a person is not happy in a relationship, he tries to open new doors for happiness instead of subjecting his spirit to unnecessary ‘bondage’ (present day synonym for unhappy relationships). Whether or not, he finds happiness that way, is not a subject of consideration here. Cutting the long story, ‘fidelity’ is an issue on which volumes can be said and written but no conclusive judgment can be ever drawn. It has been a grey area and will, probably, remain like that, till we keep sharing our lives with people who tightly hold on to virtues like ‘Morality’ and ‘Fidelity’. In the words of Oscar Wilde—

What a fuss people make about fidelity! Why, even in love it is purely a question for physiology. It has nothing to do with our own will. Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot: that is all one can say." - Oscar Wilde

"People, who love only once in their lives, are shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect -- simply a confession of failures." - Oscar Wilde

Please don’t get me wrong. I am only sharing the thoughts of a renowned author with you. Lol.

DANCE BARS WERE SHUT DOWN IN BOMBAY. AFTER THAT…..

City which never sleeps….
Bombay (Mumbai) apart from being the commercial hub of India has always been famous all over the world, for its glittering and shimmering night life; a city (of razzmatazz) which never sleeps! It has borne the brunt of many political upheavals including the media onslaught for being run by a parallel Government and even controversies like having connections with Middle East (Dubai). It has earned a reputation of being a place for rejuvenation for the business community and the corporate heads from India and the neighboring countries as well. This commercial capital of India could boast of thousands of dance bars, spread all over the city, providing a source of income for more than 75,000 girls from India, Bangladesh and Nepal until year 2006, when the existing Government launched a state wide campaign against these bars, on the grounds of ‘morality’; they viewed this business as an assault on the age old culture and tradition of India, which they believed, was perceived and spoken of as the land of sages, values, religion and spirituality.

The backdrop!
It was a well known fact that these dance bars were officially not the centers for prostitution and any bar dancer who was involved in such activities, did so at her own risk and responsibility; needless to say that the circumstances had to be compelling in order to succumb to prostitution. These places were typically, rendezvous for evening or after work relaxation, coupled with unlimited liquor, blaring music, young girls dancing, and the onlookers (mostly men) relaxing in their reclining chairs watching the girls dance. Did I miss something? How could I forget the filthy rich, trying to mingle with the dancing damsels and showering loads of money on them? What pleasure did they get in wasting money like that? That’s beside the point. The point is, who these girls were and where did they come from? Majority of them sneaked in from poorer countries like Nepal and Bangladesh and the rest hailed from Calcutta (better known as ‘slum state’ of India) and other remote villages in India. These were the girls who had been supporting their families, living far away from them. Most of them, on being interviewed, revealed that they had chosen to live a life of anonymity and ‘disgrace’ (as per social norms) only for ensuring better education for their siblings, providing food to their hapless and helpless parents or for giving a better life to their children (those who had kids). Unfortunately, we have exorbitantly large number of people all over the world, who have very few options for survival in view of their illiteracy, poor economic conditions, lack of resources and (sometimes) geographical location. These people live in such deplorable conditions that they, more often than not, have been reported to sell their children, for a value which equals to a few cents in US currency. The horrifying emptiness of their stagnant lives which seems to be writ large on their morose faces, shouts to everyone that poverty is a curse!

The aftermath.
In view of human trafficking and the ever increasing rate of flesh trade, these dance bar girls were still living under a protective clout, in as much as no one could touch them without their permission. With these bars being shut down, pursuant to the court order, I wonder if the Government really has a clue of what happened to each one of them or to their dependent families. Even though, those poor girls (about 75,000 in number) participated in almost a year long agitation against the court order, they still had to accept the consequences, which they were subjected to, with one stroke of the Judge’s hammer. Whether the purpose behind such a verdict was served, still remains to be assessed. If it was a morality issue, whose morality was involved here? The Government and the law enforcement agencies probably thought that these girls were instrumental in instigating men to lose their ‘morality’ but little did these agencies care about the aftermath, of their unilaterally enforced decision on this weaker segment of the society. I vividly remember watching one of these girls confessing before a media journalist that her mother had been persistently calling her asking for her younger brother’s school fees and she didn’t know what she could possibly tell her as she was herself borrowing money for food. How long she would have survived dreading her mother’s phone calls or how long did it finally take her to succumb to the mounting pressures, no one knows.

Back to Hell!
I am not sure what might have been in the minds of a few political workers when they marched out in streets, shouting slogans against the dance bar owners but one thing came out crystal clear; they succeeded in their vendetta and rendered those poor girls jobless and penniless too. The shocking result (as per reports) was that these girls were eventually left with no other alternative but to resort to prostitution. Ironically, the girls might have had to sleep with those men whom they might have turned down in the past. It might have been like opting for Hell…Hell which they had been saving themselves from. Again, whose ‘morality’ was affected finally? Does it no longer prejudice the ‘rich culture’ of the country? Speaking of men who enjoyed visiting such dance bars, would they have stopped, going to ‘Nautch’ girls or for that matter, indulging in paid sex, after the closing down of these bars?
=============================

WHAT MAKES A PERSON CHEAT ON HIS / HER SPOUSE?

Based on a research......
Recently I read a similar article on this subject on hub pages itself. It reminded me of a research that I had done a few years ago, wherein, I had tried digging in to the root cause of adultery. To my recollection, I had anticipated similarity in answers, at least to some extent, from all those people I was going to interview, but I was amazed to see the diversity, in the reasons which fell on my intent ears, in a 15-day long process. I still remember hearing those conversations over and over on my Dictaphone. Before conducting this so-called research, I only knew one thing for sure -‘Adultery is a sin before man and God and should not be indulged in’.

However, after getting the results on my table, I noticed that my views had undergone slight transformation. I felt myself giving some amount of leverage to those people whom I had interviewed, knowing very well that, what they were involved in, was nothing less than a crime; a crime against the abundant love offered, and the blindfold trust reposed in them by their spouses. Despite knowing the seriousness of the crime, I asked only one question to myself. “What would I do if I were in their shoes?” Honestly, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t see a saint looking back at me. Hence, from that day onwards I stopped judging people; I stopped holding anyone in contempt of the social norms.

Adultery is OK but no divorce.
I would like to share those reasons (which changed my thought process) with all of you but before that… let me tell you that despite a stark dissimilarity in their answers, there was one similarity in all those case studies (interviewees); they were all having adulterous relationships and still trying hard to hold on to their spouses, in order to maintain the longevity (I cannot say ‘sanctity’ here) of the marriage. All of them had children and hence, were trying to cope with their situations for the sake of their kids. Let’s go over the excerpts of the conversations. In order to avoid making this article a long and boring one, I have only mentioned the replies, I got from each individual (question remaining the same). After you finish reading, enjoy the video, taken from ‘Kevin Kline’ starrer-- ‘I love you till Death’. This is my ‘personal favorite’ as far as cheating on spouse is concerned. Ok! Let’s start.

7 reasons for relationships outside marriage:

1. “What am I supposed to do? I go back home only to see my wife drained out from the day’s work. The kids, household chores and that ….that new ‘weekly orphanage donation’ stuff…all that leaves no place for me. Whenever I try even touching her in the night, she almost starts moaning.”

2. “I got married because my parents wanted me to. I had to give my consent, as my dad was seriously ill and in the heat of that moment, I gave in to their wishes. I got married to a girl of their choice but soon I realized she was not ‘my type’. We have nothing in common. She hates almost everything which I enjoy doing. I didn’t want to divorce her. It was getting on my nerves so I found out a way……”

3. “His simplicity and child-like honesty seemed to be his best attributes, when I married him. Initially, I thought he was the best person for me but now he drives me nuts. He doesn’t want to change even a bit. A person is supposed to improve on his shortcomings but he doesn’t want to. He sucks life out of me. I found this ‘new friend’ and I love being with him. I feel so complete with him that I wish I had met him before....”

4. “I feel completely at peace when I’m with my ‘new friend’. For some time at least, I forget my wife who doesn’t know anything except nagging and shouting. We’ve been married for seven years and not even once have I got a chance to step into my house without hearing those unpleasant noises and screams coming from every corner of the house. But for my friend, I would have lost my mind.”

5. “I’m only a sex machine for my husband. He doesn’t have even a slightest clue of how to actually love a person. I tried being my best for more than ten years. Things got so bad between us that I found myself on the verge of giving up my life, but then I met this person….”

6. “How long was I supposed to wait for him? He seems to be embroiled in his work all the time and even at nights, he keeps talking about his work. If I try coaxing him into having sex with me, he pushes me away for the reason of being tired. He’s been doing this ever since we got our first child. I felt like walking out of his life but then the kids were there. Thanks to this person whom I met a month ago. I found everything……”

7. “My wife is a good woman. She takes care of the kids, my parents and the house, and I have no complaints against her that way. The only thing is that I don’t find myself mentally compatible with her. I feel a great vacuum in this aspect but I feel so intellectually rejuvenated when I am with my ‘friend’…..”

One thing more was common---Each one of them openly declared: “I have a right to be happy!”

This article does not project my views in any form, whatsoever. It’s only based on the opinions of a handful of people, who contributed to the completion of my research report, a few years ago.

==========================

WHY ARE WOMEN EXPECTED TO ACCEPT & FOLLOW THE RULES

Why are women expected to accept and follow the 'rules' set by their male counterparts? Here, I am referring only to married women (for the time being). Why are they expected to be the consensual or mute partners in a situation which invites any sort of argument or disagreement? Why does it create an unpleasant and uncongenial environment within the house, if she even tries to speak her mind? Is it the price, a woman pays for having a mind of her own? Perhaps, men, in some parts of the world, have still not been able to reconcile with the fact that women are intellectually and spiritually stronger than their male counterparts. It is an established fact which does not need to be substantiated with any evidence, whatsoever. Perhaps they get a perverse pleasure in abusing women, who they share their lives with. Possibly, it gives a boost to their male ego, in a scenario where women are seen taking a lead everywhere, be it home or work place.

Marriage no longer a Holy union!

It makes me wonder sometimes if this has been the prime reason for the debacle of the institution of marriage, which used to be revered as a pure and Holy union of two souls, once upon a time. The educated and economically self reliant women of today, are finding it tough to carve a place for themselves in their matrimonial homes, especially when they are expected to be subservient to their husbands and the in-laws. Here, again, I am strictly confining myself to Indian families. I could have used the word 'Eastern' instead of 'Indian' but I doubt if my observations would have applied to such a broad spectrum of people. As such I am portraying only Indian 'marital set ups' here. In the past two decades, I have seen women changing, drastically, as far as their overall attitude towards life and handling situations is concerned. They have become smarter and more vocal than ever before. The irony, however, is that their male counterparts have not changed a wee bit.

Growing Divorce rate.

This has, perhaps, been the root cause of the ever increasing divorce rate (including judicial and out of court separations ) in the Indian families. In a span of almost twenty years of legal practice, I witnessed this society passing through a difficult transition, which finally culminated in the evolution of an absolutely confused and a chaotic breed. Sandwiched between the growing financial needs of their families and their own chauvinism, the men, on one hand, permitted their wives to work for money, and on the other, still demanded to be treated as the 'Lord of the house'. This was the stage, in the transition, where the problem (least expected) crept in, unnoticed in the initial phase, but surfacing in the later stage, after having dug its poisonous jaws in the deep rooted culture of the society. To understand the situation better, let us consider a girl and boy, from almost the same family background, growing up in almost the same kind of environment, getting the same kind of education and then earning same kind of work experience or expertise in any relevant field. Would it not be unreasonable and irrational to expect the girl to (even) fake subservience, when she steps into her matrimonial home? A word of caution! Here, we are only speaking about 'subservience' which has nothing to do with 'politeness' and other virtues, which every human being is supposed to possess.

Marriage is not a boxing ring...

Is it unreasonable to expect the young woman, having a head on her shoulders, to ask for some convenient changes in the household or to disagree on certain issues which her mind does not accept as being right? In my opinion, marriage is supposed to harness mutual understanding and respect for the opinion of the better half, apart from having other essential ingredients like love, care, support and compassion. It, in no way, has to be a boxing ring where each participant focuses on winning the fight (or argument) and making his adversary lick the ground. How can one expect a marriage to survive if it is devoid of all the essential elements which are responsible for making it a blissful experience. A balanced society is supposed to have both it's limbs functioning in harmony rather than, against each other. How can a lame and a limping society be expected to progress and carve a niche for itself in the fast moving world of today? More to come in forthcoming articles. All comments ...appreciated.