Should mentally challenged kids be alienated from their families?

Rejoice! The baby is born. (Source web: http://www.anjalichugh.com)

Those parents, who might have already had the horrifying experience of being confronted in their past, with that one single moment, in which it had felt like being hit by a bolt of lightning, would better understand the misery and helplessness associated with the crude reality of giving birth to, and nurturing, a mentally challenged baby. The journey of such grief stricken parents, generally, starts with irreconcilable shock and uncontrolled tears but gradually ends in acceptance, mitigation and salvaging whatever is left. Did I say salvaging? Some parents get so much blinded with grief and mental chaos that they tend to (unintentionally) ignore the ‘salvaging’ part by neglecting their other children. What happens to the siblings in a house infested with insanity, violence, screams, depression and frenzy? The parents are, no doubt, the worst sufferers but are the siblings any less affected?

Let me share a story (true story) with you and you decide for yourself, the best recourse in such situations. This is a story about a girl who spent her entire childhood and youth witnessing the aggression and violence of her mentally challenged sister. I had a long talk with her once but towards the end of the conversation, I was completely at a loss; I wasn’t able to identify someone who could be held responsible for her predicament. Assessing the state of affairs from where she stood, my heart went out to her. It seemed that even after being married for a very long time, the memories of her unhealthy childhood had left deep rooted scars on her psyche. She looked at me with those empty eyes and started off by saying, “we do certain things which seem so right at a given point of time and later keep wishing for the rest of our lives that we hadn’t.”

Without stepping into an arena of passing a verdict, let me put down the excerpt (from our conversation) for your perusal and we’ll proceed from thereon. At this juncture, I wouldn’t like to miss an opportunity to confess that her life story inspired me to an extent that I compiled her eye-opening experiences in my Novel, ‘From the desk of a daughter’. Let’s move further. Here is what she said.

From the eyes of a sibling…

“My parents had turned every stone possible with a hope to see Nancy (mentally challenged sister) at least approach normalcy but over the years all their hopes had died down. Her violent behavior aggravated as she grew up. She would not let anyone enter our house and have a normal conversation with my parents; I never recollect having been able to talk to my mother or father for more than a few seconds, at any given point of time. She would start crying and shouting on the top of her voice whenever she saw any one of us talking to each other or to any visitor, for that matter. A strange behavior for which no doctor had an answer! It used to be a source of huge embarrassment for my parents. The worst thing she did to us was that we lost contact with the outside world; no visitors allowed.

We could not even put Nancy in some special school as there were no such schools in the city we lived in. Very soon I realized that there was no social life left for us. More than any of us this proved detrimental to my father’s career as his profession needed him to be socially active. Who doesn’t know that one cannot survive in journalism by confining himself to his house for most of the time! It was like a fish out of water twitching on dry earth and still hoping to live. I saw him, struggling, barely being able to support his family and always under a constant fear of losing his job. He denied many lucrative work opportunities which could have proved a boon for his career, just for the reason that he could not travel out of the city, leaving his wife all alone to take care of Nancy, who was a total liability and needed one person round the clock to take care of her needs. The doctors had told my parents soon after Nancy’s birth that she could never be a normal person and that it would be in the best interest of the family if the child was alienated and put in some kind of a facility so that the other members wouldn’t get affected by her abnormal behavior. I guess my father never felt strong enough to let his minor and mentally retarded daughter, go out of his sight even for a single day. It was indeed a dilemma! My parents had to make a choice and they made it; Nancy was to stay put ….”

Repercussions

Her parents had made a choice of keeping Nancy in the house as they never felt strong enough to put her in some facility but they probably overlooked the adverse affect it eventually had on their other two daughters (the youngest passed away when she was in High School). As I delved deep into her story, I could very well imagine what she might have gone through and what she might have had to withstand, with her heart bleeding and mouth shut all the time. I was surprised when she blatantly admitted that despite trying hard to be normal in her personal life, she was never able to live like any other woman. “May be I suffer from some psychological disorder which I don’t even know about.” She looked down as she ended up putting the entire blame on her own self, for her unsuccessful married and social life. What else could a daughter do?

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Anjali Chugh's Blog

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WHAT MAKES A PERSON CHEAT ON HIS / HER SPOUSE?

Based on a research......
Recently I read a similar article on this subject on hub pages itself. It reminded me of a research that I had done a few years ago, wherein, I had tried digging in to the root cause of adultery. To my recollection, I had anticipated similarity in answers, at least to some extent, from all those people I was going to interview, but I was amazed to see the diversity, in the reasons which fell on my intent ears, in a 15-day long process. I still remember hearing those conversations over and over on my Dictaphone. Before conducting this so-called research, I only knew one thing for sure -‘Adultery is a sin before man and God and should not be indulged in’.

However, after getting the results on my table, I noticed that my views had undergone slight transformation. I felt myself giving some amount of leverage to those people whom I had interviewed, knowing very well that, what they were involved in, was nothing less than a crime; a crime against the abundant love offered, and the blindfold trust reposed in them by their spouses. Despite knowing the seriousness of the crime, I asked only one question to myself. “What would I do if I were in their shoes?” Honestly, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t see a saint looking back at me. Hence, from that day onwards I stopped judging people; I stopped holding anyone in contempt of the social norms.

Adultery is OK but no divorce.
I would like to share those reasons (which changed my thought process) with all of you but before that… let me tell you that despite a stark dissimilarity in their answers, there was one similarity in all those case studies (interviewees); they were all having adulterous relationships and still trying hard to hold on to their spouses, in order to maintain the longevity (I cannot say ‘sanctity’ here) of the marriage. All of them had children and hence, were trying to cope with their situations for the sake of their kids. Let’s go over the excerpts of the conversations. In order to avoid making this article a long and boring one, I have only mentioned the replies, I got from each individual (question remaining the same). After you finish reading, enjoy the video, taken from ‘Kevin Kline’ starrer-- ‘I love you till Death’. This is my ‘personal favorite’ as far as cheating on spouse is concerned. Ok! Let’s start.

7 reasons for relationships outside marriage:

1. “What am I supposed to do? I go back home only to see my wife drained out from the day’s work. The kids, household chores and that ….that new ‘weekly orphanage donation’ stuff…all that leaves no place for me. Whenever I try even touching her in the night, she almost starts moaning.”

2. “I got married because my parents wanted me to. I had to give my consent, as my dad was seriously ill and in the heat of that moment, I gave in to their wishes. I got married to a girl of their choice but soon I realized she was not ‘my type’. We have nothing in common. She hates almost everything which I enjoy doing. I didn’t want to divorce her. It was getting on my nerves so I found out a way……”

3. “His simplicity and child-like honesty seemed to be his best attributes, when I married him. Initially, I thought he was the best person for me but now he drives me nuts. He doesn’t want to change even a bit. A person is supposed to improve on his shortcomings but he doesn’t want to. He sucks life out of me. I found this ‘new friend’ and I love being with him. I feel so complete with him that I wish I had met him before....”

4. “I feel completely at peace when I’m with my ‘new friend’. For some time at least, I forget my wife who doesn’t know anything except nagging and shouting. We’ve been married for seven years and not even once have I got a chance to step into my house without hearing those unpleasant noises and screams coming from every corner of the house. But for my friend, I would have lost my mind.”

5. “I’m only a sex machine for my husband. He doesn’t have even a slightest clue of how to actually love a person. I tried being my best for more than ten years. Things got so bad between us that I found myself on the verge of giving up my life, but then I met this person….”

6. “How long was I supposed to wait for him? He seems to be embroiled in his work all the time and even at nights, he keeps talking about his work. If I try coaxing him into having sex with me, he pushes me away for the reason of being tired. He’s been doing this ever since we got our first child. I felt like walking out of his life but then the kids were there. Thanks to this person whom I met a month ago. I found everything……”

7. “My wife is a good woman. She takes care of the kids, my parents and the house, and I have no complaints against her that way. The only thing is that I don’t find myself mentally compatible with her. I feel a great vacuum in this aspect but I feel so intellectually rejuvenated when I am with my ‘friend’…..”

One thing more was common---Each one of them openly declared: “I have a right to be happy!”

This article does not project my views in any form, whatsoever. It’s only based on the opinions of a handful of people, who contributed to the completion of my research report, a few years ago.

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HOW TO INCULCATE VALUES IN OUR CHILDREN

This is an issue, which has been the area of concern for most parents as their children grow up. It is definitely painful to see the transformation of beautiful, innocent and angel-like infants into rude, incorrigible and (sometimes) irresponsible teenagers and then finally into unruly and dogmatic young adults. Why do most of us get bogged down by a simple resolvable problem like this one? We get so much worked up, at times, that we almost give up trying to change things for the better. Again, not all children project behavioral patterns which can be termed as 'unacceptable' as per our social norms. Then what is that primary reason which results in setting one child apart from the other? Where does the difference creep in and when do we finally get to realize it? Possibly, when it is too late to take control of the situation. As I have mentioned in my forthcoming book (from the desk of a daughter), that giving birth to a baby may be the simplest and a natural biological function of a human being, but carving out a prodigy out of that newborn, is perhaps the biggest challenge faced by many of us, in the tumultuous world of today.

We sometimes get so much embroiled in the daily rut, which includes taking care of our personal needs and household expenses, that we tend to neglect the demands (primarily emotional) of our children. We keep telling ourselves that ultimately they are the ones who are going to be benefited by our hard work but hardly do we realize that what they need today cannot be postponed till day after. They keep looking at us with quiet and wishful eyes when they see us engrossed in our files, our kitchen work or those long phone conversations (official / unofficial). They silently wish that we pay heed to their small problems (big for them, though), get involved in their daily school projects, help them combat a bully in the school or as simply as watching TV with them in the evening.

In one of my casual conversations with an acquaintance, I was somewhat disappointed to hear what the person sitting across me, at a coffee table, had to say about her involvement with her child. "What is there to think about?" She said. "I took care of myself when I was in school and college and I expect the same from my little girl. I want her to learn things herself, the way I did. What's the big deal?" Although, I didn't respond to her remark because even if I had, she would not have understood. She couldn't be blamed for what she was; I attributed her attitude to her bringing up. I could see why she had grown into a callous, arrogant, spiteful and 'I-give-a-damn attitude' woman. It all depends what you nurture your child with. If you shower your unconditional and selfless love on the little sapling, it is undoubtedly going to grow into a strong, fruit-laden and deep rooted tree with branches of love and compassion, swaying in the air of eternal happiness and spiritual bliss. Imagine how beautiful such a tree would look; not to talk of the shade and protection it will offer you in your old age.

We have always been listening to things like..'faith can move mountains' but I say 'Love can do the same thing and with greater intensity'. It is the power of love which gives an average woman, an unbelievable strength to lift the back of her truck single handedly, to save her child caught up in the rear wheels. Amazing as it sounds, it is a fact. We used to quote such examples (of real incidents) in our law school.

We don't really have to do anything additional or special for inculcating values in our children. 'Love' does the job on its own. It warms the tender heart of a child and opens his mind to whatever good you want to infuse in him. It's as simple as that. Too good to be true? No it isn't. It just needs a bit of sacrifice from the parents, in terms of their time and personal desires. The results follow.

Th simple principle which most of us forget, when we are young and energetic, (when bringing up a baby seems to be more of a responsibility than a passion) is that 'they are going to be there for you when you need them tomorrow...if you are there for them, today.'

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