My First Encounter with OSHO (philosophy)

I spent almost an hour with him but he did not have answers to even the simplest of my questions. Possibly he was sitting in front of me with ‘no mind’ of his own. Trust me, I had to leave his place, totally disappointed and dissatisfied. What kind of spiritual path was this when the travelers / followers / seekers did not even know where they were going to or where they had come from? They seemed to live in an absolute vacuum. Perhaps that was the concept of enlightenment perceived by OSHO. Whatever said and done, I could not relate to such an ideology. Creating emptiness, in and around oneself could, in no way, be construed as enlightenment. In my terms, ‘enlightenment’ means ‘knowing’ rather than ‘not knowing’. It means ‘awareness’ rather than ‘ignorance’. Perhaps it’s an escapist attitude to find bliss in ignorance.

Read full article about OSHO.

IS ‘FIDELITY’ OVERRATED?

Fidelity by choice or by chance?

In an attempt to answer a request from my friend (hub pages), I am, once again, showing the audacity to step into one of the most controversial domains of human relationships. For ages, this has been an arena, in which almost every individual finds himself trapped, at least once in a lifetime, by choice or by chance. Although, literally speaking, the term ‘infidelity’ (absence of ‘fidelity’) can also be extended to relationships involving business partnerships but here I have confined myself to personal and emotional relationships only. Interestingly, the term ‘infidelity’ has always been condemned by those who do not indulge in it and justified as being reasonable, by those who show such behavioral patterns. The reasons for such indulgence can be varied, ranging from, emotional disturbances, a loveless life, short term infatuation, simple desire to experiment, insatiably high sexual urges, passive aggression, a perverse pleasure, to a simple a hormonal imbalance or even a natural magnetic aura which draws the opposite sex closer no matter how much one resists. Considering how complex human psyche has become in the process of keeping pace with fast moving society, the list can be endless.

Curbing the animal instinct!

Knowing very well that no one on this planet is infallible and that, things, often times, just happen and are not planned or intended that way, it still becomes almost impossible to deem such actions pardonable, especially for those who have never set foot in this ‘land of temptations’. Speaking for the partners (lovers or spouses) of such people (showing infidelity) they feel completely cheated, betrayed and heartbroken. When I dug deep into the roots of these socially overrated concepts like ‘morality’ and ‘fidelity’, it dawned on me that such terms were, most likely, coined to bind an individual within the parameters of a socially accepted and an orderly society. Considering the basic (animal) instincts of a human being, it might have seemed quite logical to institutionalize him in a way that he gets all the freedom to roam around in his small world, subject to a proviso, that if he breaks the ‘rules’ he would have to suffer consequences. From one aspect these ‘rules’ seem to be legitimate as they prevent the formation of a disorderly and a chaotic society to a certain extent; imagine a society where one wouldn’t have to think twice before sleeping with anyone. No matter how tempting that sounds, it would have placed humans in the same category as the animals.

Returning the favor?

As I had earlier discussed this subject, briefly though, in my earlier hub (What makes a person cheat…) I had made an honest attempt to lay down some commonly found reasons which compel a person to become disloyal to his / her partner. Some readers found those reasons justified whereas others discarded them as unreasonable. Speaking for myself, I feel that describing something as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is only an offshoot of one’s perception and perception changes with time; it also differs from one individual to the other. Trust me I have seen couples who extend to each other, the favor of having multiple partners and they seem to be alright with it. For them ‘infidelity’ does not exist. Where does the problem come up then? Obviously, it arises in a situation where only one of the partners tends to break the vows of commitment and loyalty. Does it mean that we have a tendency to condone only those mistakes which we might have committed ourselves? Wow! That explains why a parent (who had been on Marijuana in high school) does not make a big deal out of his teenage child smoking Pot. Possibly he keeps repeating in his mind, “its ok. I did the same thing when I was young.”

Is it time to amend the ‘rules’?

Like we all know, the statutes keep getting amended and the old laws keep getting repealed, only for ensuring their applicability in the modern times. Society changes and so does its needs. Challenges (in our daily lives) have increased and tolerance has decreased considerably. We tend to find the easier way out. The entire concept about loyalty and relationship has changed.

“Life is too short to cry over spilt milk…why not buy a new bottle!” That has been the attitude of most people nowadays. If a person is not happy in a relationship, he tries to open new doors for happiness instead of subjecting his spirit to unnecessary ‘bondage’ (present day synonym for unhappy relationships). Whether or not, he finds happiness that way, is not a subject of consideration here. Cutting the long story, ‘fidelity’ is an issue on which volumes can be said and written but no conclusive judgment can be ever drawn. It has been a grey area and will, probably, remain like that, till we keep sharing our lives with people who tightly hold on to virtues like ‘Morality’ and ‘Fidelity’. In the words of Oscar Wilde—

What a fuss people make about fidelity! Why, even in love it is purely a question for physiology. It has nothing to do with our own will. Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot: that is all one can say." - Oscar Wilde

"People, who love only once in their lives, are shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect -- simply a confession of failures." - Oscar Wilde

Please don’t get me wrong. I am only sharing the thoughts of a renowned author with you. Lol.

WHAT MAKES A PERSON CHEAT ON HIS / HER SPOUSE?

Based on a research......
Recently I read a similar article on this subject on hub pages itself. It reminded me of a research that I had done a few years ago, wherein, I had tried digging in to the root cause of adultery. To my recollection, I had anticipated similarity in answers, at least to some extent, from all those people I was going to interview, but I was amazed to see the diversity, in the reasons which fell on my intent ears, in a 15-day long process. I still remember hearing those conversations over and over on my Dictaphone. Before conducting this so-called research, I only knew one thing for sure -‘Adultery is a sin before man and God and should not be indulged in’.

However, after getting the results on my table, I noticed that my views had undergone slight transformation. I felt myself giving some amount of leverage to those people whom I had interviewed, knowing very well that, what they were involved in, was nothing less than a crime; a crime against the abundant love offered, and the blindfold trust reposed in them by their spouses. Despite knowing the seriousness of the crime, I asked only one question to myself. “What would I do if I were in their shoes?” Honestly, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t see a saint looking back at me. Hence, from that day onwards I stopped judging people; I stopped holding anyone in contempt of the social norms.

Adultery is OK but no divorce.
I would like to share those reasons (which changed my thought process) with all of you but before that… let me tell you that despite a stark dissimilarity in their answers, there was one similarity in all those case studies (interviewees); they were all having adulterous relationships and still trying hard to hold on to their spouses, in order to maintain the longevity (I cannot say ‘sanctity’ here) of the marriage. All of them had children and hence, were trying to cope with their situations for the sake of their kids. Let’s go over the excerpts of the conversations. In order to avoid making this article a long and boring one, I have only mentioned the replies, I got from each individual (question remaining the same). After you finish reading, enjoy the video, taken from ‘Kevin Kline’ starrer-- ‘I love you till Death’. This is my ‘personal favorite’ as far as cheating on spouse is concerned. Ok! Let’s start.

7 reasons for relationships outside marriage:

1. “What am I supposed to do? I go back home only to see my wife drained out from the day’s work. The kids, household chores and that ….that new ‘weekly orphanage donation’ stuff…all that leaves no place for me. Whenever I try even touching her in the night, she almost starts moaning.”

2. “I got married because my parents wanted me to. I had to give my consent, as my dad was seriously ill and in the heat of that moment, I gave in to their wishes. I got married to a girl of their choice but soon I realized she was not ‘my type’. We have nothing in common. She hates almost everything which I enjoy doing. I didn’t want to divorce her. It was getting on my nerves so I found out a way……”

3. “His simplicity and child-like honesty seemed to be his best attributes, when I married him. Initially, I thought he was the best person for me but now he drives me nuts. He doesn’t want to change even a bit. A person is supposed to improve on his shortcomings but he doesn’t want to. He sucks life out of me. I found this ‘new friend’ and I love being with him. I feel so complete with him that I wish I had met him before....”

4. “I feel completely at peace when I’m with my ‘new friend’. For some time at least, I forget my wife who doesn’t know anything except nagging and shouting. We’ve been married for seven years and not even once have I got a chance to step into my house without hearing those unpleasant noises and screams coming from every corner of the house. But for my friend, I would have lost my mind.”

5. “I’m only a sex machine for my husband. He doesn’t have even a slightest clue of how to actually love a person. I tried being my best for more than ten years. Things got so bad between us that I found myself on the verge of giving up my life, but then I met this person….”

6. “How long was I supposed to wait for him? He seems to be embroiled in his work all the time and even at nights, he keeps talking about his work. If I try coaxing him into having sex with me, he pushes me away for the reason of being tired. He’s been doing this ever since we got our first child. I felt like walking out of his life but then the kids were there. Thanks to this person whom I met a month ago. I found everything……”

7. “My wife is a good woman. She takes care of the kids, my parents and the house, and I have no complaints against her that way. The only thing is that I don’t find myself mentally compatible with her. I feel a great vacuum in this aspect but I feel so intellectually rejuvenated when I am with my ‘friend’…..”

One thing more was common---Each one of them openly declared: “I have a right to be happy!”

This article does not project my views in any form, whatsoever. It’s only based on the opinions of a handful of people, who contributed to the completion of my research report, a few years ago.

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HOW TO INCULCATE VALUES IN OUR CHILDREN

This is an issue, which has been the area of concern for most parents as their children grow up. It is definitely painful to see the transformation of beautiful, innocent and angel-like infants into rude, incorrigible and (sometimes) irresponsible teenagers and then finally into unruly and dogmatic young adults. Why do most of us get bogged down by a simple resolvable problem like this one? We get so much worked up, at times, that we almost give up trying to change things for the better. Again, not all children project behavioral patterns which can be termed as 'unacceptable' as per our social norms. Then what is that primary reason which results in setting one child apart from the other? Where does the difference creep in and when do we finally get to realize it? Possibly, when it is too late to take control of the situation. As I have mentioned in my forthcoming book (from the desk of a daughter), that giving birth to a baby may be the simplest and a natural biological function of a human being, but carving out a prodigy out of that newborn, is perhaps the biggest challenge faced by many of us, in the tumultuous world of today.

We sometimes get so much embroiled in the daily rut, which includes taking care of our personal needs and household expenses, that we tend to neglect the demands (primarily emotional) of our children. We keep telling ourselves that ultimately they are the ones who are going to be benefited by our hard work but hardly do we realize that what they need today cannot be postponed till day after. They keep looking at us with quiet and wishful eyes when they see us engrossed in our files, our kitchen work or those long phone conversations (official / unofficial). They silently wish that we pay heed to their small problems (big for them, though), get involved in their daily school projects, help them combat a bully in the school or as simply as watching TV with them in the evening.

In one of my casual conversations with an acquaintance, I was somewhat disappointed to hear what the person sitting across me, at a coffee table, had to say about her involvement with her child. "What is there to think about?" She said. "I took care of myself when I was in school and college and I expect the same from my little girl. I want her to learn things herself, the way I did. What's the big deal?" Although, I didn't respond to her remark because even if I had, she would not have understood. She couldn't be blamed for what she was; I attributed her attitude to her bringing up. I could see why she had grown into a callous, arrogant, spiteful and 'I-give-a-damn attitude' woman. It all depends what you nurture your child with. If you shower your unconditional and selfless love on the little sapling, it is undoubtedly going to grow into a strong, fruit-laden and deep rooted tree with branches of love and compassion, swaying in the air of eternal happiness and spiritual bliss. Imagine how beautiful such a tree would look; not to talk of the shade and protection it will offer you in your old age.

We have always been listening to things like..'faith can move mountains' but I say 'Love can do the same thing and with greater intensity'. It is the power of love which gives an average woman, an unbelievable strength to lift the back of her truck single handedly, to save her child caught up in the rear wheels. Amazing as it sounds, it is a fact. We used to quote such examples (of real incidents) in our law school.

We don't really have to do anything additional or special for inculcating values in our children. 'Love' does the job on its own. It warms the tender heart of a child and opens his mind to whatever good you want to infuse in him. It's as simple as that. Too good to be true? No it isn't. It just needs a bit of sacrifice from the parents, in terms of their time and personal desires. The results follow.

Th simple principle which most of us forget, when we are young and energetic, (when bringing up a baby seems to be more of a responsibility than a passion) is that 'they are going to be there for you when you need them tomorrow...if you are there for them, today.'

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WHY ARE WOMEN EXPECTED TO ACCEPT & FOLLOW THE RULES

Why are women expected to accept and follow the 'rules' set by their male counterparts? Here, I am referring only to married women (for the time being). Why are they expected to be the consensual or mute partners in a situation which invites any sort of argument or disagreement? Why does it create an unpleasant and uncongenial environment within the house, if she even tries to speak her mind? Is it the price, a woman pays for having a mind of her own? Perhaps, men, in some parts of the world, have still not been able to reconcile with the fact that women are intellectually and spiritually stronger than their male counterparts. It is an established fact which does not need to be substantiated with any evidence, whatsoever. Perhaps they get a perverse pleasure in abusing women, who they share their lives with. Possibly, it gives a boost to their male ego, in a scenario where women are seen taking a lead everywhere, be it home or work place.

Marriage no longer a Holy union!

It makes me wonder sometimes if this has been the prime reason for the debacle of the institution of marriage, which used to be revered as a pure and Holy union of two souls, once upon a time. The educated and economically self reliant women of today, are finding it tough to carve a place for themselves in their matrimonial homes, especially when they are expected to be subservient to their husbands and the in-laws. Here, again, I am strictly confining myself to Indian families. I could have used the word 'Eastern' instead of 'Indian' but I doubt if my observations would have applied to such a broad spectrum of people. As such I am portraying only Indian 'marital set ups' here. In the past two decades, I have seen women changing, drastically, as far as their overall attitude towards life and handling situations is concerned. They have become smarter and more vocal than ever before. The irony, however, is that their male counterparts have not changed a wee bit.

Growing Divorce rate.

This has, perhaps, been the root cause of the ever increasing divorce rate (including judicial and out of court separations ) in the Indian families. In a span of almost twenty years of legal practice, I witnessed this society passing through a difficult transition, which finally culminated in the evolution of an absolutely confused and a chaotic breed. Sandwiched between the growing financial needs of their families and their own chauvinism, the men, on one hand, permitted their wives to work for money, and on the other, still demanded to be treated as the 'Lord of the house'. This was the stage, in the transition, where the problem (least expected) crept in, unnoticed in the initial phase, but surfacing in the later stage, after having dug its poisonous jaws in the deep rooted culture of the society. To understand the situation better, let us consider a girl and boy, from almost the same family background, growing up in almost the same kind of environment, getting the same kind of education and then earning same kind of work experience or expertise in any relevant field. Would it not be unreasonable and irrational to expect the girl to (even) fake subservience, when she steps into her matrimonial home? A word of caution! Here, we are only speaking about 'subservience' which has nothing to do with 'politeness' and other virtues, which every human being is supposed to possess.

Marriage is not a boxing ring...

Is it unreasonable to expect the young woman, having a head on her shoulders, to ask for some convenient changes in the household or to disagree on certain issues which her mind does not accept as being right? In my opinion, marriage is supposed to harness mutual understanding and respect for the opinion of the better half, apart from having other essential ingredients like love, care, support and compassion. It, in no way, has to be a boxing ring where each participant focuses on winning the fight (or argument) and making his adversary lick the ground. How can one expect a marriage to survive if it is devoid of all the essential elements which are responsible for making it a blissful experience. A balanced society is supposed to have both it's limbs functioning in harmony rather than, against each other. How can a lame and a limping society be expected to progress and carve a niche for itself in the fast moving world of today? More to come in forthcoming articles. All comments ...appreciated.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CHOICES